Empathy - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Empathy is a useless ability that only overcomplicates life.

Empathy makes you feel that you there is a problem and you should be doing something but you don't know what.

Empathy doesn't let you be mad at someone, because you know why they are/speak/act that way.

Empathy leaves you crying in your room over a problem that isn't even yours.

Empathy doesn't let you solve a problem because you know how bad it will make someone feel.

Empathy lets your guilt eat you up because it eliminates the significance of your excuses by comparing it to the problems of others.

Empathy doesn't let you be a bad person. Even when sometimes it would be just so much easier to do so.

Calm down and stay positive

I feel like a complete failure at the moment - I have submitted my worst coursework ever (not a big deal, just 100% of the module), I can't stop remembering every mistake I made in the interview for my dream summer placement and how much better I could have answered the questions, I am a terrible mentor for the first year student group - they don't attend meetings, wrote the work on the night of submission and got the lowest mark, I keep making a fool of myself in every social situation possible, and last but not the least I am a horrible horrible friend (maybe friendship just isn't a thing for me?). All I want is to just turn off all the lights, cuddle up and spend a day or two in my cocoon doing nothing.

I actually went for it - locked the door, cuddled up, closed my eyes. But after no more ten minutes I couldn't stay in because of all the thoughts spinning around in my head like vultures over my half-dead body. I wanted to shout and scream, kick and punch the wall, hoping it will get them out of my head. I wanted to leave, run away as far as I can hoping the thoughts will stay and I won't have to come back. So I ran away to the world of tv shows, movies and books. I knew human interaction would only make it worse - I'd get either worn out by pretending to be all happy and social or more angry at myself for not putting the mask on and having to answer if I'm OK and bringing others' mood down. Happens too often to make the same mistake again, especially when the next step is thinking they got annoyed by me and can't stand my presence anymore.

Chaos in the head leaves the body hanging in space without much meaning.

As hopefully you can tell, the description of experience is based on more than one occasion, and the logical conclusion is that I have overcome it before. How? I don't remember. What I do remember, however, is that when I talked with people who I thought were insanely annoyed or angry at me, they all said that they were not. Not at all. Some only said they were worried about me seeing that I'm not looking too well but didn't know how to approach. Then it struck me - I wasn't seeing the reality clearly. I was looking at everything around me through the prism of low self-esteem and bad mood, caused, most probably, by stress.

Everything seems much darker, much worse than it actually is, especially the perception of myself - thoughts, appearance, actions, skills. Everything, including even those small, normally meaningless details as phrasing of words or posture starts to annoy, - how can you have lived in this world for more than 20 years and still not know how to behave in a normal social situation?! And this enhanced self-criticism paints the reactions from others in much darker shade than they really were, creating even more doubt and drawing into this fast swirl towards the drain hole.

So the thing is that however difficult it is, whenever I'm feeling blue or awkward I have to always step back and look at the situation from a third person's view, because my own senses cannot always be trusted.

Clear reflection can only be seen when the mind is calm.

I wish I could say similar things about coursework, but it depends on a couple more things besides my perception, thus, having reminded myself that nothing ever is as bad as it looks, I have to go and do some studying, so there is one less cause for this tiny nightmare to begin again.

2013 12 30 - 01 05

Šią savaitę atsidžiaugiau dar daugiau susitikimų, susimatymų, pasisėdėjimų su mano brangiausiais, kurių tokį ilgą laiką nei mačiau, nei girdėjau. Kaip gera vėl pasiplepėti apie tai, kas galėjo įvykti prieš didįjį sprogimą, kodėl reikia suaugti, kokia prasmė kišti nosį iš namų ir kaip būtų galima sulėtinti Žemės sukimosi greitį ar Mėnulio tolėjimą; o nenoriai atsisveikinus nueiti su pagausėjusiu nerealių filmų ir knygų rekomendacijų sąrašiuku.

This week I had the pleasure (literally, not politely) of even more meetings, greetings and gatherings with my beloved ones who I haven't seen and haven't heard for such a long time. It was so great to chat again about what might have happened before the Big Bang, why we need to grow up, what's the point in doing anything and how it would be possible to slow down Earth's rotation or the pace the Moon is getting away from us; and after unwillingly saying goodbyes go away with an increased list of awesome book and movie recommendations.

LP pasiekimas! | All credits go to LP

Per Naujuosius simboliškai nusiplovėm senus metus neapledėjusiame prūde - klimato atšilimo privalumas, chi chi!

During the New Year's night we symbolically washed off the year gone by in the pond. Hey, it wasn't frozen, so it's only fair! The advantage of climate change, hi hi!

Pasiekiau aukščiausią tingumo laipsnį. Miegodavau gal po 14 valandų per dieną, bet anksčiau atsikelti net žadintuvai nepadėdavo. Ir jei tik galėdavau, niekur neidavau. Net ir to pačio facebook'o po porą dienų nejungdavau, nes žinodavau, kad ten darbus reiks tvarkyt. Tik žiūrėjau filmus ir skaičiau, su šeimynėle bendravau, ir mūsų kelionę į Paryžių planavau. O kas begali būt geriau. Šypt.

I reached the highest level of laziness. I slept around 14 hours a day but still even 5 alarm clocks couldn't wake me up. And if I could, I wouldn't step outside at all. I even avoided facebook because I knew how many things have to be taken care of there. I only watched movies and read, and planned our family trip to Paris; we're leaving on Wednesday!

Atostogos prabėgo nejučiom, o dabar Paryžius ir Birmingemas. Paryžiaus tai laukiu laukiu nesulaukiu, kai jau pradėjom planuoti viskas pasidarė realu - nebe svajonė, o planai. Ir gatvelėmis mintyse vaikščiojau, ir pyragaičių skonį jaučiau, ir naktine panorama užsimerkus grožėjaus. Tiesa, taip neryškiai, pusiau nuotraukos, o lyg ir su kitom vietos pasimaišę. Nekantrauju pamatyti, paragauti, išgirsti, įkvėpti, išgyventi. Bet vat į Birmingemą tai nėra tokio didelio noro... Draugų pasiilgau, jau ir prigalvojau, kokių mini projektukų grįžus darysiu, tai šitai smagu, bet visoos tooos atsakomyybėėėss... Ir mąstyt reik, ir reprezentatyviai būt, ir kalbėt dar, et, visiškai visiškai numuša ūpą grįžt. Įpratau tingėt, kitko ir nenoriu dabar. Bet tai ką, įsispiri sau ir varai toliau kasdienybės rato sukt. Tai gal dėl to ir susiradau tą morkytę kurią prieš nosį pasikabinsiu, kad lengviau risnotųsi: pradėjau svaičioti apie pavasarines keliones - jau turiu planelį chuliganėlį per tris valstybes, bet kaip ten bus tai pažiūrėsim. O dabar, Šviesos Miestas!

I haven't even noticed how quickly the holidays passed; now it's Paris and Birmingham. I can't wait to visit the former, now that we have planned our time there everything became real - a plan instead of a dream. Can't wait to see, to taste, to hear, to breathe in, to live it. But Birmingham, on the other hand, doesn't trigger such desire... I missed my friends and I have already planed a couple of craft project but alll thee responsibilitiiieeeesss... (sigh) I got used to being lazy, don't want anything else now. But what can you do, give yourself a good kick in the but and go spin your wheel of routine again. So maybe that's why I found that carrot to hand in front of my nose to keep myself going - I already have a crazy plan for Easter vacation including three countries, but we'll see how it goes. Now, The City of Light!