Calm down and stay positive

I feel like a complete failure at the moment - I have submitted my worst coursework ever (not a big deal, just 100% of the module), I can't stop remembering every mistake I made in the interview for my dream summer placement and how much better I could have answered the questions, I am a terrible mentor for the first year student group - they don't attend meetings, wrote the work on the night of submission and got the lowest mark, I keep making a fool of myself in every social situation possible, and last but not the least I am a horrible horrible friend (maybe friendship just isn't a thing for me?). All I want is to just turn off all the lights, cuddle up and spend a day or two in my cocoon doing nothing.

I actually went for it - locked the door, cuddled up, closed my eyes. But after no more ten minutes I couldn't stay in because of all the thoughts spinning around in my head like vultures over my half-dead body. I wanted to shout and scream, kick and punch the wall, hoping it will get them out of my head. I wanted to leave, run away as far as I can hoping the thoughts will stay and I won't have to come back. So I ran away to the world of tv shows, movies and books. I knew human interaction would only make it worse - I'd get either worn out by pretending to be all happy and social or more angry at myself for not putting the mask on and having to answer if I'm OK and bringing others' mood down. Happens too often to make the same mistake again, especially when the next step is thinking they got annoyed by me and can't stand my presence anymore.

Chaos in the head leaves the body hanging in space without much meaning.

As hopefully you can tell, the description of experience is based on more than one occasion, and the logical conclusion is that I have overcome it before. How? I don't remember. What I do remember, however, is that when I talked with people who I thought were insanely annoyed or angry at me, they all said that they were not. Not at all. Some only said they were worried about me seeing that I'm not looking too well but didn't know how to approach. Then it struck me - I wasn't seeing the reality clearly. I was looking at everything around me through the prism of low self-esteem and bad mood, caused, most probably, by stress.

Everything seems much darker, much worse than it actually is, especially the perception of myself - thoughts, appearance, actions, skills. Everything, including even those small, normally meaningless details as phrasing of words or posture starts to annoy, - how can you have lived in this world for more than 20 years and still not know how to behave in a normal social situation?! And this enhanced self-criticism paints the reactions from others in much darker shade than they really were, creating even more doubt and drawing into this fast swirl towards the drain hole.

So the thing is that however difficult it is, whenever I'm feeling blue or awkward I have to always step back and look at the situation from a third person's view, because my own senses cannot always be trusted.

Clear reflection can only be seen when the mind is calm.

I wish I could say similar things about coursework, but it depends on a couple more things besides my perception, thus, having reminded myself that nothing ever is as bad as it looks, I have to go and do some studying, so there is one less cause for this tiny nightmare to begin again.